I woke up and as usual checked my phone for your message, in case you left any before you boarded the flight. 

The last two years with you were full of love and excitement but mixed with some rough times too. Checking my phone in the morning and at night before sleeping was a habit I acquired after meeting you. I loved to see the mundane good morning or good night texts with a kiss emoticon next to your name, in the morning as I woke up and at night as the last thing before I slept.

Well, there was no message today. I should have been upset but I was relieved! Things had been rough for the past few months between us. Maybe because after we started living apart, I realized how superficial your love was.

I am a married woman, but I was willing to fight for our relationship. But you are a coward, you are not man enough to even give us a chance. Instead you quietly got married to another girl, and am sure she doesn’t even know about me. 

It is slowly seeping in how wrong I was about you. Your life was always about you. I remember telling you in the past how selfish you were. Your needs were before anything in the world. 

It was in May that I finally decided that for something concrete to happen between us, I must learn to live alone, apart and not let you use sex as the driving factor to change my decision. In these two years, you made sure to totally take over my life and time. You made sure that I saw you every day so that your effect never faded away. If we had a fight, you would initiate my favorite sex moves and in no time, I will be in bed with you. 

I remember I had no issues when for the first time your then girlfriend was visiting after you started seeing me. We had a casual affair and I was not looking for any commitment so it was cool. But I met you over for casual lunch, and you ended up in my bed again, after work, though your girlfriend was waiting for you at home. 

I should have identified and remembered the cheating gene then, but sex was driving the relationship and I was too consumed by it. We were seeing each other for months now, we got closer and things were looking serious. You said you were in trouble because you were falling in love with me and I no longer felt like a ‘friend with benefits’ to you.

Though married, I was also falling in love with you and it was a big decision for me to continue with this madness. We knew we were in a complicated relationship as we spent every day together, from waking up together in the morning to having tea together in the evening, followed by dinner and sex.

I was ready to leave my husband and family for you, but you were busy swiping Tinder and surfing matrimonial websites. 

The girlfriend visited again for your birthday and this time things weren’t the same. I had become love sick, missed you and felt jealous. But you were unaffected, you would call when it was comfortable for you, and somehow you knew exactly what words to use.

I stopped communicating, tried to walk away, drowned myself in alcohol and one day using the excuse of a carpool with me, you got into my pants again and my anger just disappeared. What baffles me is that I am a young and bright lady, but with you around I become dumb and stupid. I couldn’t see the fact that I was loyal to you emotionally and physically in my husband’s absence. But you had one girlfriend who visited during your birthday, me as a live-in, and you were also talking to other girls on the pretext of marriage! You are an as***** and I just didn’t want to see it.

Finally, I was getting tired of helping you pick the girl you should marry, because I wanted to be that girl. I was surprised when you could ignore my presence at your home, after you invited me home, and talk to a girl you haven’t even met for 2 straight hours and exchange virtual kisses! I was furious, but I had become a doormat. I was there always, but you used me only when you wanted to.

That realization one day made me step out and leave you alone. I thought distance will make you miss me, but after six months you just got married to someone else because your family wanted that. I was already heartbroken and trying to fix everything around me and this came as a shock. What was ridiculous was that you showed no emotion that could comfort me. 

I cut contacts but you persuaded me to keep in friendly terms. I understand today, it was just to keep you company till the new victim, your wife now, came to stay with you. Luckily I had already limited our conversations to bare minimum so that you could no more hurt me.

To confirm my belief, I played this small game. I asked you to send me a selfie one night from a party that you were attending. You didn’t send any. Then I asked you to call me from the airport, before boarding the flight! One may think what’s with that. I wanted a solid proof for my heart to understand that I was still a doormat and an option to fall back on when you were alone. So, that’s the message I was looking for today morning as I woke up. There was nothing for me. There was a selfie from the airport and messages in another Whatsapp group, we are a part of; But there was nothing for me, the person who had been with you as a partner every day for two years, driven to your home at odd hours, 2am, if needed. I felt like rubbish, something stale that had no more use in your life.

I didn’t message you. I knew your flight had landed but I kept quiet. I was done with you totally in that moment when you made me feel so insignificant. All that I had done had gone to waste. It serves me right as I was willing to leave everyone who loves me, for you. Every day I beat myself up about it, my life has changed drastically after this experience, but I am a firm believer of Karma. You will get back what you gave me, every bit.

So, you messaged me after you didn’t hear from me for 3 days straight. Of all the things on earth, you shamelessly sent me your wedding invitation as if hurting me for this long wasn’t enough! I didn’t reply to any of the messages as I was trying to contain my feelings and move on. So, now you call me, 5 days after you landed to ask me if I liked the wedding card. You are the same guy who used to message me every 5-10 minutes until few months back. I had given you the option of cutting all ties with me if you couldn’t be yourself with me because of the guilt after marriage. I gave you enough opportunities to walk away without either of us getting hurt, but I guess you can’t do without hurting me. That gives you some sadistic pleasure and an ego boost.

I had to pick up the call that day as my husband was sitting next to me, and he knew that you are my very close friend. That call was also centred around your wedding invite. I wanted to scream, “why the f*** should I celebrate your wedding!? Why is it that you must invite me? Haven’t I told you enough times in the past that I can’t see you getting married? Does this give your ego another boost after treating a strong lady like a doormat and now seeing her heart break? I wonder what your wife has coming in her life!”

I have decided to cut all ties with you and not talk or communicate through any channel. I went cold turkey and ghosting you feels great because I know it hurts your ego. Now there is no doormat for you to use whenever you want. I am no longer getting hurt, but you are curious to know why the hell did I just go silent. You are dying to know how come the doormat dumped you before you could do any more harm to me to boost your ego! I am feeling better, free and very happy that I dumped you. You don’t deserve any explanation from me. 

It’s time for me to focus on whatever I messed up because I was with you. I am working on that now.

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