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After All This, I Still Don't Know How People Stop Loving Each Other
( words)
*For representational purpose only.
When I was a teenager, I always wondered how people get over a person they love. How can you not love someone anymore? How can your feelings be temporary? Little did I know I was going to get my answers soon.
It was 2013. I was 16 years old and a kid who was disturbed. I had just lost my grandparents with whom I had lived with for 10 years and after this loss, moved in with my parents.
My parents and I always misunderstood each other, so we fought frequently. I didn’t get much of their love and attention, compared to what my younger siblings got and when I lived with my grandparents.
It was June 2013 when I got a friend request from him on Facebook. He belonged to a school which was right next to mine. He was 18 at that time had a boyish charm on his face which every girl in my school admired, and even I was kind of attracted to him. We started talking as soon as I accepted his request.
Soon small talk turned into long late-night phone calls, and within a month, he told me he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I hesitated at first because I heard he was never interested in long-term relationships and only knew how to use girls. He kept on begging until I finally said 'yes' after a month. As soon as we got into this "relationship", he started asking for my nudes. Well, he turned out the way everyone told me he was.
That day I decided “Kuch time tak chalaungi, after that I will dump him”.
I tried to make an excuse every time he asked for my nudes and couldn’t keep up with his drama any more, but by the time I broke up with him (which was 2 months after we got into a relationship), I realized I had completely fallen for him. We both couldn’t stay away from each other and got back within a week or two. Yet again, his demands started.
I stopped talking to him. I couldn’t stay away from him. I cried day and night. It was the month of October. Diwali season was on and a Diwali Mela was held near my society. I planned to go out with my friends that day, and as soon as I entered the Mela, I saw him. I had no idea he would be there and as soon as our eyes met, my eyes filled up with tears and I walked out.
The very next day he messaged me said he was sorry for everything that happened. I forgave him and got back. I couldn’t stay away from him. Things went well for the next 2 years. We kissed, made out a lot, talked a lot, met a lot, he understood me, supported my dreams, took my side when no one did, pampered me, knew how to change my mood, gave me the love that I craved.
Soon I got into college and he started working. We both had less time for each other didn’t talk much, but still tried to keep each other happy. Little by little, we started sexting and I eventually lost my virginity to him. We were very happy, until I introduced him to a college friend of mine Iara (name changed for privacy). She also went to the same school with me and now the same college. She was very famous when we were in school. We were good friends in school but became best friends in college. She had a boyfriend who was 10 years elder to her. Finally I introduced them to each other and they exchanged numbers and started talking. We all hung out together- me, Iara, her boyfriend and my boyfriend.
Soon Iara and my boyfriend started meeting alone and became the best of friends. I started having a problem by seeing them getting too comfortable together. My boyfriend stopped talking to me frequently and only came to me when he wanted to have sex. He stopped meeting me and met her more often and this gave rise to a lot of problems in our relationship. We started fighting a lot.
I told Iara about it but despite knowing my issues, she still kept on meeting him. Even her boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with all this but she didn’t care. Soon, after Iara started telling me that my boyfriend told her that he was just using me for sex. When I asked him about it, he told me he was just testing if she would tell me all this or not! Things like this kept on happening. He would tell her something, she would tell me, and when I confronted him, he would just say he was testing her and that I didn’t trust him.
Little by little, my world was falling apart, and things got worse. I stopped trusting both of them. My exams were coming up and instead of concentrating on my studies, I kept thinking about him. Thinking of who is right, who is trustworthy, who isn’t, until a point when I couldn’t take it, and broke up.
Soon after, he got into a relationship with another girl. One of the biggest fears of my life was to see him with someone else- see his feelings change for me- and it did. He didn’t even stop me when I broke up with him. Didn't even give it a thought and just left me.
It's been 2 years since I last saw him or even talked to him. Iara still keeps on telling me what he is up to. Until a certain point, I felt bad but now I am numb, but still in love with him.
I am still waiting for him to remember me. Maybe I am just keeping false hopes in me that he will. Maybe we will never cross paths again. But I still deserve answers. Was 3 years of relationship, the attachment, the love, so weak that one person would just walk in and ruin everything within a few months?
Whom should I have trusted more? The love of my life or my best friend, when both were equally important? Was it my fault that I lost him? Should the blame be on me? I came into a relationship with a few question but got out with more of them, and a broken heart.
