Why did I love him?

Hush! I dare not say. I wouldn’t let anyone see him through my eyes or they would fall in love with him too. He is absolutely gorgeous! Women line up for him wherever he goes but he had eyes for me. Yes, he “had”. I am sure he loves me still but I secretly hope he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t dare to hurt him more for I have already destroyed the man who loved me.

My life is a roller coaster ride that I enjoy on the whole. But when I entered a fun tunnel a few years back, I got stuck. It was supposed to be fun-filled and I should have emerged out of the tunnel laughing. But I didn’t. I got stuck in the dark, dark tunnel. No matter how hard I tried to escape, I couldn’t. I had friends who tried, but they failed too.

Then came my flying hawk who pierced my darkness like a beacon of light.

He was my diamond who radiated light and warmth, giving me ‘Esperanza’ in the dark and cold loneliness. He pulled me out. He held me so softly in his mighty embrace. He flew me to high clouds where I saw rainbows in multi shades… shades; I believe no one had ever seen. I was happy. But I was scared too. You see, the flipside of flying high is the ground below that we diligently ignore to acknowledge.

He said he loved me. He said he had never been in love before. It was a rebirth for him too. All these feelings were too new. He ran after them like a little boy running after a fallen kite. I was his multi-coloured kite, he wanted to hold and cherish as his.

He had been with so many before but never fell in love.

He is a free bird that soars on high clouds. He is a hawk. He was hovering the skies when my dark, cold tunnel pulled him in like a vortex. He said he fell for the little canary he saw clutched helplessly in the darkness. There was something about the canary’s cry of help that felt like sweet music to his ears and pierced his heart. He was in love. And he didn’t know what to do next.

So when he and I escaped the tunnel, we started to fly. He was so excited to have found his true love that he paced fast. The little canary tried to keep pace but was scared. I was afraid. I always had one foot inside the room and one on the threshold, waiting for a red flag to be raised. Waiting to turn around and run as fast as I could.

I didn’t want to feel that darkness again, but I was too scared of burning in the new warmth too.

A month passed. We had lived together all dimensions of love anyone has ever known. Alas! I knew what had begun in haste would end in haste. He was perfect. He tried his best to match pace with me. The high soaring hawk was now flying low for the canary. The fast flying hawk was now enjoying his peaceful sprints with the canary. But the canary was scared. She was confused.

Neither knows what went wrong but we knew we were hurting. I knew I had hurt him in ways he had never imagined. Have I turned out to be an ugly crow living in the skin of a beautiful canary? I don’t know. All I know is that I have crushed his hopes of me. I have crushed his new perspective on love and feelings forever. I don’t know if he will blame me or “love”. Well, I hope he chooses to blame the first and never lose hope on the latter.

I had destroyed the dreams, hopes, aspirations, and feelings of the man who truly loved me.

I crushed his heart into a thousand pieces with my insecurities and fear. So I let him go. The final blow to our companionship came from me yesternight. I had to let him go. I couldn’t hurt him any longer. Ironically, to save him from further hurt, I had to hurt him with a hard blow.

My dear, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you still. I hope I can fix me soon. I won’t ask you to wait for me while I do so. I would also not ask you to find it in your heart to forgive me.

But I want you to not lose hope on love because a stupid little canary was too afraid to explore the high skies with you.

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