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I Fell In Love With His Good Side. But I Just Don’t Know How To Deal With That Darkness

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I had started using Facebook for the first time and was sending friend requests to all my friends and relatives. He was my relative but I hardly knew about him. He would never attend any of our family functions. But I sent him a request too. We started chatting for the first time when he accepted my request. It was a casual chat. Just a “Hi! Hello! How are you? How is life going on for you?” etc.

After a while, we started chatting with each other at 6 in the evening every day. I knew I was falling for him but I controlled myself because I knew my parents would never agree to a love marriage.

He mentioned that he had seen me in a function once and had fallen for me. He said that he had wanted to talk to me at that time but he never tried to do so because he knew our relationship would not work out.

I knew he got along well with other girls. One fine day he proposed to me. He said he wanted to marry me. I shouted at him that day. I told him that I was really annoyed by what he had just said because we both knew it would never work. I suggested that we just continue as friends. But deep within I knew I really liked him.

He said he could not treat me like a friend and said, “Let’s just stop talking.” I did not expect something like to happen but I agreed to it.

We did not talk to each other for two days. I realized that I was desperate to talk to him.  So I called him and said I did not want to give up on our friendship.

I asked him to continue talking with me and he agreed to it.

We continued talking with each other but every now and then he would ask me to get married to him. I would just laugh at him and ignore him.

One fine day I accepted his proposal.

Our families came to know of our relationship after 6 months. Both our families rejected our relationship. We tried to convince them but their answer was, “No.” I was under house arrest. I was not allowed to use the mobile or the internet. Life became miserable. I felt as if I was leading my life within the four walls of my room.

One night I managed to call him. I asked him to take me away.

I eloped with him and landed up in his house.

My family came and took me away. My dad asked me for six months time. I was happy because I thought that he was at least willing to consider my marriage now. Later on, I knew that he had asked me for time with the hope that I would change my mind about him.

I love my dad very much. I will do anything for him. But I could not end my relationship with my boyfriend. I had already shared a physical relationship with my boyfriend. I did not know how to tell this to my dad.

I was feeling really guilty about it because I had never wanted to get into a physical relationship before I got married. But I knew I loved him a lot. And I had not been able to say “No” to him.

I finally decided to leave my house to marry the person I loved. There was a lot of drama in my house at that time. My sister tried to stop me but I blackmailed all of them by telling them that I would commit suicide.
I knew I should not have left them for the sake of one guy. But I loved him and I wanted to live my life with him. I did not want to marry another person and ruin his life. That was another reason for my decision.

I got married to him with his family’s blessings. I thought I will be able to live a happy life with him. I also thought that my family will accept my marriage after some time.  

But life had so much more in store for me. I had not imagined that such things would happen to me.

It is not that he does not love me. He does love me. He does take care of me. But I got to see his other side only after marrying him. He would lie to me. When I asked him why he lied he would simply say, “You now know the truth. So what is the big deal anyway?” He would consume alcohol. He has even hit me once or twice.

All of a sudden, I became his last option.

His family and his mother's sister's family was always a top priority for him. I would always support him. We have been married for 3 years now but he has never once supported me. He supported me just once and that too when I begged him to do so.

I am always there to hold his hand in his bad times but he lets me down when I need him the most and leaves me to deal with my fate.

After I got married I have literally cried myself to sleep at least once every fortnight.

I left a loving family just to be with him but he doesn’t care about it.

I try to talk to my family members now. But except my mother, no one talks to me.

It is not that he doesn’t love me. He will just love me according to his mood. I feel I have messed up my life completely and don’t know how to get out of it.

Only I know what I am going through. I fu*ked up my own life to be with a person who promised to give me a happy life.

All I wanted was his love and his time. But all he wanted was his space and his happiness. I still don’t understand the things going on in my life. Everything looked so beautiful when I fell in love with him but now I don’t know what is in store for me.

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