Sometimes I wish I could just wipe away my memories and start from scratch again. But isn't this just another way of taking birth again? Doesn't it mean I will have to free myself from this birth? Doesn't it mean I should let the bird of my soul set free in the universe so that it can choose where to take another shot at life? I am so tired of the same things happening over and over again. Same pains in different ways. Someone once told me, suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problems. What if that problem in question is my entire life?

I don't know how to proceed with this anymore. People move on, right? When I left my ex, I thought I was giving myself another chance in life.

To move on, I chose some non-traditional ways. I just wanted to discover myself again under all that mess. When I met him, I had no clue he will mean so much to me. I was deeply in love before I even knew it. I was now a canvas with black ink all over it. And there he was standing like a white canvas in all its glory. I was at fault to have fallen in love with him. I was at fault to have thought that I deserved a second chance in life. I was at fault to have thought he wanted the same. The day I met him, I changed my ways and God knows that I did. I knew from the very beginning that no man can handle the fact that he is not the first in a woman’s life. Fool I was to have thought otherwise. He was not my first. Not my first love, not my first kiss, not my first kiss of innocence. Maybe a woman's honor is actually in her vagina. I was more broken than he was. I was more tortured than him. I wanted to live a life of love and acceptance. But I was too scared to share my truth, too timid to tell my story in all its glory. Oh, what an idiot I was.

I hid from him to save myself. I lied to him because I was selfish. I was in love and didn't want to lose him.

From the very beginning, I felt he deserved much better than me. He deserved someone as pious and pure as he is. No matter what he says to me, I can't stop myself from loving him. With every passing second, life is getting harder to bear. When I met him, I had nothing. I was an empty vessel. All I had was my loyalty, my love, my pride and my principles. I never held anything so preciously to me as I hold my principles. I crossed every limit when I lied to him. When I shared it with him finally, I cried because I knew the consequences. When he didn't react, I thought maybe I did the right thing. I was naive; I always have been. But when he brought up these things I realized he was just another human being whom I glorified in my imagination. And this realization also brought me back to my senses. Had I not lied in the beginning, it would have saved us both from such a terrible outcome. I have no clue what I want. I have no clue what to do. I know I have made a terrible mistake and he is trapped now. I don't want his sympathy. I don't want him to be stuck. I don't know how to free us both from this trap.

Freedom is all my soul quenches for, either from guilt or from my body.

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