"What if it doesn't go well? What if I fail? What if this is not what I want? What if it is not what it looks like? What will I do after getting past this?"
At times like these when the brain can string together sentences starting with only 'what if' it is easy to imagine someone holding your hand, looking you straight in the eye and saying with conviction "Oh my darling, what if you fly?"
Unfortunately, most of the times it happens only in novels and not in real life, because most times people around you do not even know what you are going through, and it is at these times you hold your own hand, lean on your own shoulder and tell that never ceasing nagging feeling at the back of your mind to ZIP IT! Because, you've had enough.
I get anxious every once in a while; it is as common as someone dying in Game of Thrones. That common. Doesn't mean I got used to it or got better at dealing with it. My brain has creative and interminable ways of throwing up scenarios of what can or might happen. It makes me think that I am better off with doing nothing.
I have no idea what it will be like two weeks from today for me. Something big is going to happen and I have no clue how this will end. Either way, my life changes. I will not be the same person I am today.
Failure will drag me down and success will put me in a labyrinth.
I haven't slept well in a month and I find myself zoning out every time my mind is not occupied. I do mundane things to keep myself busy or my brain gets creative. I am sure all of us have gone through this and in the end realized that we freaked out for something so vapid. The after destination party is amazing but the journey is full of thrones.
I am learning to deal with it. I am trying to not overthink or overanalyse. I am trying to fool myself into thinking that everything will be just fine irrespective of the result. I am doing everything in my will to not think of the inevitable. But the two words still stand- 'What' and 'if'.
So, I have changed the endings of my questions. Now, I think to myself-
"What if, I don't try? What if I regret not giving it a shot? What if everything turns out to be better than anticipated? What if this is what I have been preparing for, all my life?"
What is the worst that can happen?
And suddenly the thought of tomorrow doesn't look so scary, the future doesn't seem so daunting and my mind is busy trying to figure out answers to the new questions.
I am still a little anxious but it does make me have second thoughts about doing something. Something worse than failing is not giving it a try, or so I have been told.
Do not try to ignore anxiousness, it is like a clingy girl who doesn't like being taken for granted. Shunning makes the matter worse, deal with it. Try to find your way out. See what you can do to lure your mind into feeling unassailable.