first love Relationships Marriage

How The Memories Of My Undeserving First Love Still Haunt Me

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I may sound cliche and for that matter to some practical intellectuals, I may sound stupid as well, but I believe there is one person in your life who would leave that strong and unerasable mark in your heart. Even years of moving on and being busy in your life, you can't forget them or shall I say, can't completely forget them (their thought passes your mind randomly every now and then though you don't miss them as you used to once, long back in your life).

Yes. I am talking about First Love. I don't know about others but my first love would definitely be the last because being blessed with an understanding husband and being (love) married I could not love my husband with my whole heart as I loved my first love.

I want to be clear that I do adore my hubby and I am a devoted and faithful wife. All I realized is that I do not pour my heart out now as I did to that fellow back in my past, who broke my heart very badly. Badly to the extent that it took years for me to recover.

To the extent that I tried to end my life, though never attempted, but became suicidal. To the extent that I almost stopped my life for him, I was adamant to forget him and change my mind. He ignored me, cursed me, fought with me, changed his contact number, tried everything to get rid of me, but the soul inside me simply forgot what my life was before him and so I didn't know how to survive without him.

Despite all odds, I never forgot him. The only difference is that I got over him. He was my best friend once and my first love.

I hand sewed a wallet for him for one of his birthdays with all my efforts just to make it look like it was stitched on a sewing machine and gifted him to see that smile when he got to know I made it.

I apologized to him on various occasions, even when it was not my fault just to satisfy his ego. I took his abuses when he was angry and coped up with his arrogance. I didn't know the way out. All I knew was what to do to make him happy and how to find reasons to meet him.

Finally, one fine day after years of struggle, I MOVED ON. There is a dialogue in the twilight series (eclipse) by Rosalie, if you have ever watched it you will know. Her dialogue is, "But I was young, I Was In love with the idea of love." That's what I was doing 

I believed that I was special in his life, though initially maybe I was, then he grew out of it. He neither appreciated my presence nor did he allow me to move on. He just kept me hanging so as to when things did not work out with his so-called other "friends", he kept coming back. I was like a 'for sure always there' stepney, an extra wheel, an extra person. I had always been an extra for him.

After a bond of all those years, my existence in his life was never considered or acknowledged. It took me a long time to realize this. When the blindfolds opened, I could see he was friends with other girls. He never even mentioned any of them to me. He even approached a girl to marry him while I was still in touch with him. Yet for the dignity of our so-called friendship, he never mentioned it.

However, to date, I wonder where is the boy whom I loved immensely? Is he the same person? Why did he change like a season? It still pinches me somewhere and makes me feel like an idiot.

I am happy today. I was destined to meet my husband and we are together. My husband proved to be a true gentleman who always stands by his word.

I love my husband a lot, but there is a huge void inside my soul that can't be filled due to the heartbreak I had once.

I have become this harsh stubborn person slowly. Sometimes, my stubbornness doesn't allow me to adjust in my relationship. After all the events that happened with my first love, I feel I should not bend anymore in front of any person's ego because I lost my self-respect once but never again.

Sometimes, I am a dutiful wife but for me, the thought of making any extra effort to make us stronger does not occur. I feel I lost that girl somewhere, who would try almost anything to make her special one happy.

I would never apologize when my husband feels maybe I should, though he never demands. I kept apologizing to my first love even when it was never my fault. So it bothers me sometimes to do all those things in the fear that my husband may take me for granted.

The scar from my first love reflects strongly on my personality. I believe the innocence in me, of a soft-hearted girl with a bubbly personality, died forever.

I am glad though that it never worked out, but the pain I took, the tears, some happy moments, most worse, just flash in my head whenever I come across anything or any place that reminds me of him. And I smile thinking what an emotional fool I was.

Today when someone younger than me comes for any relationship advice and anyone who may come in the future, my only advice would be, "the show must go on". Don't be heartbroken and stuck in any situation. Don't waste your time and leave out possibilities.

Someone who wants to be with you, who wants to live with you, will be there, no matter what you're going through. And if someone doesn't want you, be it your friends, your love interest, or maybe your close relatives; despite your efforts and the value, you may have added to their lives, if they don't want you, so be it.

Rejection and unacceptance won't make you worthless and powerless. You are stronger than you think. On any given day, you can move on from any bad situation, any bad relationship, with the willpower that is within you.

You are not useless. You are equally precious. Any relationship that thrives only on your breakdown, insult, giving away your self-respect, is not worth keeping. If you are still in there wasting your time knowing there is nothing you can gain in return, when in your heart you know it's not going to work out, please step out. Time is really precious and you must make the most of it to do something worthy in your life. Something that can make you wise, that can bring happiness.

I never focussed on my career in my life. All my mind, soul, dedication everything was latched on to him. I never cared even about my family. How much they wanted me to do something. The only thing I was finally left with was a strong impression and a huge regret for not moving on in time. I would have done much better and may have been in a better position in life today had it not been for him.

I am happily married now. My parents, my family, everyone is happy. But I can't get back that precious me lost in the storms of that bad phase, and bad timing.

I try to think positively whenever I cherish those days with him, I try to keep good things in my mind. I still remember how much pain mentally I took. Though time healed me and it doesn't matter, but that emptiness and mark left by the situations with him are unforgettable. And I hope no one ever goes through this feeling in life for an undeserving man. 

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