I was very worried about leaving my family and moving to a new place. I was a naive 23-year-old girl, belonging to an upper middle class family in Pune. I was going to stay away from home for the first time in my life. I had been preparing all this while to complete my Masters. I had the opportunity to study Physics in the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology at Kharagpur.

On the first day, I asked a senior in college to help me commute from the railway station to the college campus. I didn’t know him but I needed help with my luggage, and also because I did not have a hostel room allotted yet.

It was a pleasant surprise when, after hearing me talk over the phone in Marathi, he told that he too spoke Marathi. We instantly felt connected.

His hostel was close to mine and we would go to the department together (he was a 2nd year M.Tech student in the Physics department). Although we were studying in different classes, we would meet at the college. Our meetings became more often as he would call me when he had to go to the local bookstore, or a juice point. The more I started to talk to him, the more I liked him. I thought we became more than just friends. But I think I had fallen for him by then. He said he likes me and I knew that I liked him too.

I was very comfortable and trusted him. It had been seven months since we had known each other. I often spoke about our future together. Was he not serious? NO, he was just a shy guy.

I thought of him as a decent guy, sincere student, who had got placed in an amazing company. He respected people and was ideal in every way. In fact, he never called me to come over to his hostel room. He never made any plan that I was uncomfortable with. He never said anything wrong or fought or argued with me. And he never promised me anything or tried to ignite the feelings in me. He is one of those perfect guys I have seen around and hence I have fallen for him.

We were seriously talking about our future together. He was so shy. He knew it will be difficult to convince his family but he loved me.

However, in the back of my head I felt like he never cared. Unlike the other guys in my class who accompanied me when I was going alone, he never offered to come with me. He was okay with me being close to the other guys. He was never jealous (but isn’t that a nice thing I thought). I thought he gave me my space. But all this felt as if he never cared about me. I felt paranoid.

But the very next day he said “Hey, I really like you and I want to be with you. It’s just that I have been like this after my grandma passed away. I always kept people at a distance. After a really long time I feel comfortable with someone. I don’t want to lose you. I have always been this way and it’s hard for me to be the way you expect me to, please give me some time, I will work on it.” Hence I trusted him.

I was blindly in love and I ignored my other friends as well. As his graduation date approached, I spent most of my time with him since those were his last few days in college. After his graduation, we both went to our hometown for holidays. I still remember the day after his graduation, when I was leaving for my hometown- I was sitting in the train by myself and I was crying my heart out.

 That day I cried so much that I threw up, I didn’t tell him all this because I wanted him to be happy. I did not want all this to affect him in anyway.

After holidays, when I went back to college, things were very different. I was so used to spending time with him that I was really bored most of the times. I was interviewing for a lot of companies, and I got placed in the first month-in the same company as his. This seemed like a miracle for me, but I called it destiny! I didn’t make too many friends in my first year of college so I barely had any group of friends to hang out with. I started spending most of my time talking to him over the phone. I thought that since I will be working in the same company as his, it would work out perfectly. I missed him a lot and I knew he was probably missing me too in Bangalore. Anyway, we would be at the same place after a year and everything was going to be perfect, I thought. I got busy being the Placement Coordinator in my college. I had reduced my talking to him over the phone as I was busy with my own work.

The placements used to happen all day and sometimes I had to spend all night making arrangements for the employers coming the next day. This became my routine. I was sitting alone one night at the college auditorium and was thinking about him. It suddenly struck me that we did not talk for 8 days. I was busy with a lot of things happening in college but he had a 8-5 job. I was angry because he didn’t make a phone call. I kept calling once in a while despite my busy schedule. My heart wasn’t agreeing to the fact that he didn’t love me. I thought that he is probably still very shy because he never had female friends. I believed this was going to change eventually.

I graduated with a lot of confusions about him. But I was going to join the same company. I wanted to stay positive. I was excited and scared at the same time to start my new career. I did not find any accommodation in the new place, in Bangalore and he did not care. He did not offer to come to pick me up from the station. I convinced myself by blaming it on the Bangalore traffic.

 We worked in the same building. I thought he would ask to meet. But he didn’t bother about me.

I built up the courage to talk to him and asked if we could meet and he did. We were talking about various things and in the middle of our conversation, I asked about why he hasn’t been talking to me.

He told me that when he went home during holidays and asked his dad about our marriage, he said that he will commit suicide in case he chose to love a girl outside their community.

This was what kept him away from me the whole of previous year. I didn’t realize or rather refused to realize. I asked him what he thinks about it and he said he decided to oblige to his dad. My heart broke listening to it.

Little did I know all this happened, I asked him if he at least tried to convince his parents and he said he didn’t. I decided to let it go if he doesn’t want it as much as I do. As cliché as it may sound,

Forced love isn’t love at all right? If he decides to not even try a little to convince his parents, then that’s definitely not the kind of guy I want I thought.

He had clearly moved on by the time he was telling me about all this. I was shattered that day. I am still stuck thinking about him most of the time no matter what I did. My tiara fell every time I cried for him.

I had to forgive this person who wasn’t even sorry for what he did.

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