They often ask me, “What happened? Why after 6 years?!”
Not because they are concerned, but because they want something new to gossip about! I simply smile at them, hiding the tears deep inside, and say, "Nothing yaar, it just didn't work out.”
But what I actually want to tell them is, "Firstly, it was not just 6 years!"
It all started during the most innocent and purest phase of our lives.
Where on one hand, as school kids, we dreamt of tying the knot in the future, trying to behave maturely & responsibly with each other, but on the other, we shared vulnerable moments when a professor embarrassed us in front of the entire classroom for scoring low grades and we were forced to gulp our tears.
While we were extremely insecure and jealous for each other, we also loved secretly holding hands during morning lectures in a crowded classroom. It was that part of our lives where we couldn't have been happier! It wasn't just those 6 years!
The moments spent, places explored, sacrifices made, numerous lies told to our families, efforts made to bring smiles on each other's faces, all of that cannot be reduced to a mere number!
Secondly, it happened perhaps because we could see it coming. It happened because, over the years, we started getting morally contaminated by our completely different surroundings (different professions). We were not ready to make sacrifices anymore. We couldn't accept each other's not-so-pure souls and minds.
We grew up! We didn't want to know what was happening in the other person’s life.
Perhaps we just wanted the façade of a relationship, but not the work that went into sustaining a relationship.
We wanted the hand-holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We wanted the pretty promises without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them.
We chose everything over ‘us’ and still expected to get along!
But obviously, this s*** had to end somewhere! And now? Now, our minds are so occupied that we don't want to trigger any memories that make us vulnerable. We've learnt to curb the 'I NEED SOMEONE' moments. We don't hate each other. But we are not ready to accept each other's impurities because we’ve been used to seeing only the pure form.
We think we've changed a lot; become tougher, matured, responsible, independent. We want to become successful, achieve something. We target to achieve many things in life, set goals, make plans.
In reality, we are not fighting with the world but with ourselves, with our inner voice, asking it to shut up and convincing it that we are heartless!
Deep inside, we are still the same people. Even today, holding hands makes us feel warmer than sleeping bare-bodied next to each other. But instead of sharing these precious thoughts with people, I just say, "It didn't work out."