Soo... 2020 is the most hated year for many of us. We struggled a lot, with known and unknown insecurities. Most of them were heart breaks.
So, this happened to me in the quarter of 2020... when I got to know, the person I desperately loved for 5 years is getting married to somebody else. I can't blame this person because it is one sided love. Though he knows, I strongly love him... he is just helpless because of his family situation. In fact he regrets losing me.
But, from my perspective he is the only person who gave me the feeling of love. For me, love and him are just synonyms. I just wished good for him, and prayed for his happiness. So, for the 1st time in 5 years, I actually maintained distance from him. I stopped talking to him.
I don't hate him, still I need to set my boundaries with him and that's what I did. Survival of heartbreak is not so easy. His thoughts literally took away my breathe. So, I focussed a lot on my work and other things to keep myself busy. I even forced myself to give time to my friends, which I haven't done for years.
As I got work from home, I came to my hometown, to get some peace. Days passed like this.... and I felt it as a dry and painful period of my life.
One day, while I was scrolling on FB, I got a guy's profile in my suggestions list. He is the best friend of a good friend of mine. As we have mutual friends, I know this guy since long back, though I never saw him in real. On seeing his pictures I know that he is extremely good looking.
I had texted him 4 years ago for a purpose. At that time we just exchanged a few messages. Nothing more. However, this time I decided to send him a request. I stalked his profile all over social media. He accepted my request, soon we exchanged numbers.
His WhatsApp DP- Oh God!! He was just looking WOW! I felt few reactions in my heart. So, I got a crush on this fellow. I really got excited because at last I felt something for another guy after 5 years. Yes, it took me more than 5 years to get a crush on somebody. So I felt he was really special.
I clearly know it's just a crush, because I didn't expect a relation or marriage or something with this man. And he is not from my religion. It's just a fling what I wanted and I'm very clear about it. Expressed the same to him.
On the other side, like me he is also suffering a heart break and living in his hometown. But we both work in the same city. Soo... we shared our stories and consoled each other. He often used to miss his girl. I started giving time to this guy because I felt this is harmless as I'm not emotionally connected to him. I'm just obsessed with his charming face. And he confessed I really look good and he wanted to say this since years.
At times, he used to flirt... share good things with me. We had great late night chats. We decided to meet in our work city. One fine day, we both reached our work city, and immediately I asked him to meet. He said, he needs time and I said okay.
He eventually started ignoring my texts. When I asked for a reason, he said he is missing his girlfriend, and he needs a right zone to get nice to me. I totally understood his pain, and gave him his space. Deep down I badly missed him, and I wanted to see him in real. I wanted to feel his presence, his smile and particularly wanted to see that magnetic face in real. But, I couldn't force him.
After days, through my mutual friends I got to know that he is getting married very soon. It was a shock. I asked him about it but got no response. At least, I asked him to meet me once before he got hitched. So I would get the satisfaction that I saw him. His answer was I'm sorry.
Well, I don't know why this guy hasn't even told me about his marriage. I do not suffer a heart break because of this guy. But, I have this emotion left in me to see him at least once. I dreamt a lot about him, I tried but still couldn't even see him.
I didn't cry, I didn't worry, no tears nothing but all the time I'm carrying some unexpressed weight in my heart. I am not able to bear it. And, my love is getting married soon.
Heartbreak because of love failure is worth suffering. But I have no clue why this crush happened to me and why it doesn't last long. Anyway, I wish both these men and I should get some peace and move on with our lives.