I said it. Personally. Privately. With her. Without her.
That there is nothing emotional between us and nothing’s going to be emotional ever and it was mutual. We had agreed on not to bring each other in our personal lives. We were just friends. I mean friends with benefits. We played a small part in our lives. Wait, let me start from the beginning.
In the winters of 2017 I came to my hometown to meet my parents after two years and reconnected with my school mates in a reunion party at my friends house. Most of them were married and had children. It was good to see them after so long. I got to know that one of the girls used to live in Delhi and in same apartment. It was unusual as Delhi being such a big city so we started talking.
It was evident that I knew her from the past but it was a blurry memory. She confirmed that she was my junior in school. I had no intentions to be involved with her in any kind of romantic relationship, not because she was unattractive or something like that. She is a very attractive young woman.
It’s because I always had issues falling in love, I can’t feel empathy.
I had two relationships before and both ended in bad terms. I was called many names like narcissist and psychopath in those relationships. Maybe I sound a little off or maybe you think that I am a psychotic person who needs help. Trust me I’ve been called a lot worse and it doesn’t matter. I just can’t connect.
Anyway, I went back to Delhi and after some time she came back and we started meeting again. We connected again and this time we opened up more about ourselves. I wouldn’t lie, I sometimes enjoyed with her. It was just a matter of time and she was in my bed.
After our first sexual encounter, I told her everything that we can’t be anything more than friends and no matter how hard she tried I would never get feelings. Her answer was “chill, hum bacche thodi hain”. And I thought great, I was getting what I wanted without any emotional bullshit.
You know having sex sometimes can be a lot difficult than it seems. You have to pay for hours or even parts. It’s stressful and I couldn’t afford to have a relationship after my last one which made me realise that I was never going to commit again. After a long time I was fulfilled.
It wasn’t like she was my only fuck buddy. I used to have hook ups but there was no problems with that between us. I was there when she needed me and she was there when I needed her. We barely talked about our personal problems because you know personal talks can make you fall. I knew about myself, what was inside of me, no emotions. I just didn’t want her to ruin her life like the woman before her, I thought that she kinda knew that something was wrong with me but she didn’t.
After a good one and a half years it was time for her to go. That time came when I moved to Mumbai in 2019 for bigger and better things. For six months, I didn’t see her and I had no regrets. I was busy in my life, having hook ups. but suddenly one fine morning when I entered the office I saw her sitting the reception. I asked her what was she doing there. She said that in my absence she realised that she grew feelings for me and moved to Mumbai so that we could be together. I couldn’t believe it.
I reminded her of everything we had agreed upon and our time was casual but she was in no mood to listen. She kept telling me that she would make me fall in love with her. She further said that her parents want her to get married and she wanted to marry me. What?
That’s the dumbest thing I had ever heard. Knowing that I can’t feel and won’t be faithful she still wants to marry me. She kept chasing me for a few months and then went back. So I thought finally she’s off me.
But what did I know. She went to my home in our hometown and told my parents everything. In short, she turned them against me and you know what, she still wants to marry me. I thought I was the psychopath!
I want to say that this won’t work. Turning my people against me will not get you what you want. I will not give you what you want. You want to fight, I’ll give you the fight. You tried to ruin my career, my personal space, and you are the victim?
No! you are not the victim. You are just a woman who wants recognition and I won’t give you that. Maybe I’m being a little insensitive, I broke your heart right? No. I told you everything and warned about the repercussions and after all this people want to look at me like I’m the bad guy?
They are just as bad as you are!