My Dear Love,
Here is the letter I wrote to you before I decided to call it quits with you, but couldn't share with you. Before we begin to close everything with each other, I want to pen down everything that I have felt in the last decade being with you.
It is an attempt to close everything within me to move on with my life without looking back at you in hope; What if we could have been together? What if I could have enjoyed every rising sun and moon with you? What if I could wake up to your pretty face every morning? What if?
So many unfulfilled dreams have to be put at peace now, forever. I still do not remember how and when I fell in love with you.
Maybe when I saw you for the first time. Maybe when we met at Pizza Hut for the second time. Maybe when we crossed the road at Connaught place circle and you quietly help my hand. Maybe when you smiled at me for no reason. Maybe whenever you called me 'empty pizza pan'. Maybe whenever I looked into your eyes, and my heart skipped a beat. It happened, and I don't know when. I tried to keep everything within me till one day I couldn't take it any longer.
You left me with two options; either to stick by you, see you struggle every day or confess my feelings to you and take you with me forever. And I chose the second option as I couldn't see you struggle anymore. I remember picking you up from your interview and confessed everything to you, and I was not shocked to see your reaction because I was ready for it.
I knew confessing my love for you would probably close my roads back to our friendship, and I was okay to risk everything. I also knew I will never be able to convince you because I knew it's not possible in this lifetime for me to be with you.
I am tired today, and for the past three years, we're unable to find a middle ground where you could understand me for a second. I was completely okay with your "No". I appreciated that day too when you tried to make me anticipate lots of complexities we'd face if we ended up together. You chose to continue our friendship as is, as if nothing had happened and you wanted me to forget everything; forget how I felt for you.
You wanted me to see you struggle every day in your horrible marriage? The last two conditions were not okay with me as I couldn't see you struggle anymore. So I chose to walk away.
You knew that; I could not pretend to be someone I am not in front of you; I could not have faked myself when I was with you.
I always took my decision with my heart when I was around you and, you wanted me to follow my mind all the time. I am sorry I cannot. I always needed you more than you did, but I also wanted to live freely.
I did not want to live with the boundaries, I cannot put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in a box just because the girl I am in love with doesn't like the idea of living freely.
I have that flip side who wants to live, love and enjoy this one life, but without any restrictions.
You want a caged life, and I always wanted to be caged beside you. I cannot force you to love me back but I cannot force myself to be who I am not.
Letting you go is like letting my soul go, but it is okay. Everyone has the right to choose what is right and what is wrong for them, so do you. The rejection puts you in pain for some time, but it gives you the right direction other times.
Maybe someone in this world would be meant for me who is patiently waiting for my time and attention. I will never give up on love, but yes, I'll take some rest till I can fall in love with myself again.
You also do not stop looking for your true love, maybe you too are destined to be with someone else. You will realise it too; how important is it to fall for someone and crave their attention all the time.
True love is true satisfaction I believe.
Life goes in full circle; the actions of today will define our tomorrow and so on. The present is the only moment we've got; we need to decide what we want to feel right now; rest is past, and what’s coming doesn’t matter. Letting go of everything is an option and going on hurting yourself is a choice. Maybe my soul has decided to leave this struggle to peace now.
Love doesn't fade away, it gets stronger with each passing day, weeks, months and years, but what dies deep within is empathy.