I still need closure. It’s going to be more than a decade now. His memories still haunt me in my dreams, now and then.

I still sometimes cry remembering the things that happened between me and him. Both good memories and bad ones.

Jai (name changed) - my first love. The impressions he left in my mind are so strong, though now healed thanks to the pain he caused me. However, I am still failing to erase him from my mind even though I was brutally subjected to emotional abuse by him.

This is the story of my first love that left me helpless, broken. I'm writing this story in the hope that I will soon get over this pain.

Back in 2008, I met Jai through an accidental SMS. He was my classmate in high school, but we never spoke with each other. This SMS came to my number, which was sent to me by another classmate through his number and Jai explained it was not him. That’s really how we exchanged numbers. Now we had each other’s numbers and hence, we started forwarding normal greeting texts which then converted to daily day and night chatting.

I never told anyone in high school, but I had a big crush on him back then. And how I got lucky years later with the text that wasn't meant for me.

But the truth is I had never tried to speak with him before. In 2008, while in college, he became my texting friend. It took us a year to graduate from texting to a phone call. I remember I called him on his birthday exactly at 12’o clock a year after we started chatting, I wished him and I still remember the joy in his voice - “What a pleasant surprise!” Thereafter, we started talking frequently.

Soon after, he went to Amritsar for the first time and he brought me a sweater from there. It was a sweet budding young bond and we both cutely cherished it for the next three years. He invited me to his birthday parties. I frequently visited his house for all the occasions and I was familiar with all his family members and we had many common friends.

If anybody wanted to find out about his whereabouts, they'd ask me and it was vice versa for him. 2010 ending was the rough patch in our relationship. I understood that he had a dark secret. I believed him to be my one and only, but no.

He did all those things a boyfriend would do, but we never made it official. From my side, it was evident that I was madly in love with him. But he, he never said anything. He always kept me hanging.

I understood way later that he was having the same special bond with someone else from his college. Though he mentioned her to me, I never knew it was going to be the same story for the other side. He had many friends who were girls who were hanging out with him, but I never knew all that stuff.

One such incident was when I was doing my post-graduation, he actually texted “hi” to one of my classmates. She almost misunderstood me for that and felt I was passing her number to everyone. He would often ask me if there were any pretty girls in my class. I used to jokingly reply - I know many girls. I never realized he was actually serious.

When I said there was a girl in my PG who's pretty. He asked me for her number. I gave it to him knowing he would never text her and he wanted to do it to make me jealous. The next day I went to college and she said, “This Jai, he is your friend, right?” I turned pale. I asked her what happened and she said late-night he texted me. She continued, “I was thinking who it was. He mentioned I am so and so’s friend.” She then asked me why I gave him her number without asking her. I gave her some excuse that since her brother owned a pharma company, he had some queries. Instead of me asking, I felt it would be better if he asked her himself. She believed my excuse and asked me to not distribute her number again without her consent. It was embarrassing for me. I confronted Jai and he replied, “Arey, you gave me her number. I wanted to hangout.” It was in shock. He read my face and figured I was not too happy.

The second shock was when we had a fight regarding my schoolmate. So this schoolmate of ours got in touch with me. She asked me about Jai. She saw his picture and instantly said he was handsome. After a few meetings, she asked me if I had conveyed my feelings. I said that’s fine he knows I love him; I am just waiting for him to respond.

On the other hand, Jai was aware I was in touch with her. He asked me about her. I said she was doing fine. He got her number, by saying next time we all could hang out together. One night, I was waiting for his call. It was late night. Somehow I thought of calling her - my schoolmate. I called her, it was busy. I called Jai, it was busy.

Then, he called me immediately saying, “Are you testing me?”

I said, “Were you talking to my friend?”

He said, “She said she wanted to talk just casually.”

I asked, “Casually at night 11 pm?” He paused.

He used his anger on me, which he always did. He said, “Why should I explain to you?” I asked him to cut the call.

I called my friend and asked, “What’s happening?” She behaved as if she was caught or something. Thereafter, I never talked to her again. She invited me to her birthday. I said I was busy. Before me, she had invited Jai. This fellow insisted me to come so that he would not feel guilty. He wanted to fire the gun using my shoulder. I refused. Upon insistence, I agreed.

Jai had a bike. He picked me up on the way. He handed me a packet. I asked him what it was. He said it is a saree. Saree for who? He said, "Your friend."  I said, "You've known me for years but you never gifted me a saree, and now you are gifting a saree to my friend? Do you know to whom a male gifts a saree?"  Same question, one of our mutual friends asked him. That mutual friend even warned Jai that he was playing with my emotions.

Jai was like, “It's just a saree. If you want, I will gift one to you. What’s the big deal?” I just kept calm and waited for that weird evening to end. He had never met my friend and upon meeting her, he was like “So this is your friend?” I was smiling inside and smirked, “Yes. What happened?” Maybe he was expecting her to look like a princess. Apparently, she did not meet his expectations.

I came across many instances of such behavior by him and strange secret friendships. I decided he doesn’t value me anymore. So, I felt this relationship was turning toxic. He was playing with my emotions. I started avoiding him.

Did he let me go? NO. He wanted me to be there as a 'Stepney' so whenever it was not working out with any other girl, he could come back to me. In the time he was in contact with me, I never thought once about my life. I left out all good marriage proposals brought to me by my parents. He, on the other hand, was living his life as he wanted. He never wanted me to become friends with any other male nor he wanted me to live freely.

He was controlling my life and I let him.

I was dealing with him anyway until 2013 when he started avoiding me. He changed his number. He also got a new job. He also decided to marry a girl. He was getting serious about his life after he seriously spoilt mine. I was mad. Where is he? What happened to him? He was fine and happily shaping his life.

In 2016, I finally decided to move on and I left the city for job purposes. Thereafter, nobody could believe that he and I were not in touch anymore. People around us were sure we will get married one day. For them to hear me say, “I have no clue about him” was as indigestible as it was to me.

Today, I am married and a mother to a beautiful baby. What did I learn from this toxic friendship? I learned that teenage crushes and romances are unpredictable because sometimes, the person you fall in love with remains no more the same person you grew up with, which is fine until you allow that person to play with your emotions and take you for granted.

Jai and I were together for a decade, but not even once did he say, “I have feelings for you.” Not even initially when it was evident that he did. Later on, we were just hanging out, and mine remained a one-sided love story. He controlled me. Demanded care from me. But when it was his turn, he turned his back. Neither he allowed me to move on nor he justified us.

In the end, I was in a dilemma that did I actually even know him? The more I got to know his scandalous stories, the more I felt like a fool. Some of them happened when I was still in contact with him.

Knowing how much he meant to me, he just took me for granted always and left me only with uncertainty in the end. Just a few months ago, he found out that I was married and now a mother too, which he came to know from common friends. I had a chat with him to know his whereabouts. Trust me, he had no remorse for what happened.

Instead, he said, “You have not changed one bit” when I confronted him about his disappearance and past incidents. Why should I change? What did I do that I should change myself? I have always been sweet and responsible regarding him. I never did anything to hurt him. At times, I even apologized to him when it was not even my mistake. For those things, in return, he gave me pain and tears.

Now, he is saying “You need to change.” I felt he got enough kindness from me and it felt like I didn’t have to bear his ignorance anymore so I just blocked him. For all that heartbreak, he threw a simple sorry on my face. He had no realization and no remorse. I don’t know when I will be able to give closure to this episode in my life. All I hope is one day when I wake up, I find peace and I won’t dream about him and those haunting incidents. I just wake up completely forgetting there was even a person called 'Jai' once in my life.

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