On first glance, you wouldn’t guess I was a sexual deviant.
On the surface, I’m a loving wife and a good mum to my children. But my exterior hides a dark and horrible secret: I am addicted to sex, and I have affairs just to satisfy my uncontrollable sexual urges.
Before I discovered my sexual compulsion, sex was not something I particularly enjoyed. I lost my virginity to my husband on our wedding night. It was such an awkward and unpleasant experience and I remember there being a lot of fumbling and pain. From then on, I perceived sex as just another marital duty, like doing the laundry or preparing dinner.
It wasn’t important and my husband and I certainly never openly discussed our sex life. In fact, we could talk about everything but sex.
I had read about orgasms but I’d never experienced one. I figured the female orgasm was just a myth, so I didn’t take it seriously and never asked myself or my husband why I’d never had one. My husband is a good man and provider, and that was enough for me. I never questioned his ability to satisfy me in the bedroom.
All this changed when I turned 30. I’d been a stay-at-home mum for years, and my life, to put it simply, was boring and uneventful. My husband worked all the time, even on weekends, so we hardly ever saw each other.
When my elder child was younger, I’d spend all my time with her. But as she grew up and started living her own life, I started spending more time with my friends. Eventually, even shopping and going out with them got really boring. Then I become active on social media and started chatting to many of my friends, relatives etc. and that’s where I interacted with my brother-in-law.
He was my cousin’s husband. I had always been close to this cousin of mine and I don’t like her husband as I felt that he had been cheating on her since marriage. In spite of that,l I got attracted to him. We started off with general conversations but slowly they started taking an erotic turn. We would ask each other about their sexual interests and fantasies.
We would often chat the whole day role-playing and imagining scenarios in our heads.
However, every time I was ridden guilt thinking about my cousin and how I was betraying her trust. We had been like friends since childhood. Finally, I conveyed to this man him not to continue as I was not comfortable with the situation. He was ok with my decision initially but every time we talked, he would still try and steer the conversation in a sexual direction trying to convince me that it was OK since it was all virtual. I was not convinced and gradually he accepted the decision. Now, we still talk but not about not anything erotic anymore. However, I miss those chatting escapades as he was amazing at turning me on.
He knew all the little tricks to make women want more and I JUST COULDN'T GET ENOUGH!
After everything that had happened, I yearned for more. I was like a shark that had tasted blood. I tried to find sexual fulfilment with my husband, unfortunately without success – perhaps I was partly to blame because I didn’t know how to communicate my sexual frustrations to him. We had fallen into a pattern so it felt unnatural to try something new or different in bed.
My next sex chat partner was an old friend. When we were younger, he would flirt with me by putting his hand on my legs. I’d pretend not to notice, but my affair with my brother-in-law emboldened me to accept him as my new lover. Each time my friend and I had sex chat – usually during office timings – I'd feel terrible about cheating on my husband. Eventually, my overwhelming sense of guilt made me end things even with this man.
I convinced myself I could seek sexual satisfaction without my husband by myself. While it relieved my sexual frustration somewhat, masturbation was no substitute for the real thing. It lacked that rush and excitement you get from being physically intimate with another person.
NO LOVE, JUST SEX
Over the years, I have been unfaithful with about 5 men. I admit that I am still in touch with all of them and an affair with someone, in particular, has lasted 8 years. I never get emotionally attached to my lovers; I see them purely in a sexual light. I’ve broken up with men who cannot bring me to an orgasm too. Because if they cannot please me sexually, I see no point carrying on an affair.
I am well aware that what I’m doing is wrong, and I feel guilty every time I talk to another man, but I tell myself that it’s just sex chat, nothing more. I would feel much worse if I fell in love with one of these men because that for me would be TRULY betraying my husband. I’m afraid he’ll find out about all my infidelities one day. I feel terrible that I am incapable of enjoying sex with him, but I really don’t know how to bring it up to him. He is a wonderful man, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by making him think he’s not doing something right in bed.
I’m not even sure why I cannot have pleasurable sex with my husband!
SEX RULES MY LIFE
I have reached a point where I want sex all the time and must have it daily, or I’ll feel like something is missing. It’s literally taken over my life because I’m always thinking about my next orgasm. I’m not proud of the fact that I want to sleep with men other than my husband, and I don’t think my sexual addiction is something to brag about. On the contrary, I am wracked with guilt whenever a sexual urge hits me because it means having to look for fulfillment outside of my marriage.
I cry often because no one really understands what I’m going through.
I feel like a deviant, and sometimes when I’m having sex chat with my lovers, I feel uncomfortable, like I’m breaking the law. We don’t often hear about oversexed women; if your sexual urges are out of control, it’s assumed there’s something wrong with you anatomically or emotionally.
Given a choice between my husband and family and having sex with multiple partners to satisfy my unnatural urges, I’d pick my family any day. My family has always been very important to me and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them. I just wish my desires did not hold the reins to my actions.