Relationships Marriage sexual assault Sex molestation

My Husband Used The Darkest Secret Of My Life Against Me

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I had never dreamt of sharing something so personal. I'm a mom of two boys, a college grader and a middle class person. We are just a family of four with my husband working in the medical field, not a doctor and myself in corporate. Both our parents are no more and of course left with the circle of hi-bye relatives. Having said all this one can wonder what story do I have in here. Yes I do.

Being brought up as a traditional girl in a strict South Indian family that treats boys as superior always, I had naturally developed a strong disliking for the opposite gender. It happened because my parents left me to stay with my uncle's family with my cousin just before I reached the stage of my transformation into a beautiful women.

And here, I was very unfortunate to become a victim of child molestation. Before I could even understand what was happening to me, I was being used by this "evil cousin" for his dirty thoughts. Inappropriate touch and dirty conversations. My family had no clue what was traumatizing me. Waking up to a strange hand trying to explore my body on a number of nights would give me severe shocks.

I would pray to God to help me through every night without any such shocks but I guess God must have been too busy. This went on for about three years before I could muster up some courage to warn him to keep away from me and that I would expose him if he ever tried to continue.

Finally I thought my bad phase was over and I completed my college and went on to get married at the tender age of 20. I ended up with a partner who was a simple village bred man who wasn't very understanding. I was also struggling to be a good wife as my childhood experience had blocked my mind completely. How much ever I tried I could not be romantic and our relationship was purely artificial. We did it for the sake of doing it.

One fine day I decided to share my bitter experiences with my husband expecting moral support from him to help me fight with my mental block and overcome it. When I narrated it, there was no reaction from him. I was disappointed but relieved that I had put down my burden and I would become normal in due course of time. I went to sleep with a lighter heart the following nights. But what followed shortly was a bolt out of the blue.

My husband started doing the same to me while I was sleeping. I was completely shocked and when I questioned his behavior, his answer killed my soul.  Oh you were quiet when he touched you in your sleep but if I do so you seem to throw a tantrum. You said you were not able to shout at him then but you create so much drama when I touch you." I tried to explain by saying "Please don't do what he did, it's scary". To this, his reply was "Probably you liked all that and that is why you never raised your voice against him."

I lost faith in humanity, in God, in men and in everything that surrounded me. My haunting nights continued. Does it make any difference that he is my husband and he has all the rights irrespective of my feelings? I don't know the answer. I have controlled all my emotions, lived like a doll amidst his domestic violence and sexual harassment. I have never told anyone about what is killing me inside lest people would say that it's my duty as a wife to abide by his sexual needs and expectations. But my soul has been stabbed and is bleeding, crying in pain.

The wound is deep and the scars are irreparable. I am stepping into the twentieth year of my marriage, but yes I am still subject to sexual harassment.

I can never explain in words how much my soul suffers and struggles when my husband rubs himself against me in my sleep even when I am in my periods or running a high temperature. I have fought hard and now I sleep with my children in a separate room but my nightmares continue to haunt me and I wake up numerous times out of fear. 

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