The permanent problem of the modern woman is that what men want from women (sex) has become easier to obtain and abundant while what women want from men (love) is harder to get than ever.

It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men don’t appreciate the less primal aspects of a long term relationship, it’s just that men are hunters and without the immediate need to pursue something Official, they lack the motivation to do the work a relationship takes.

This made things hard for me. I always liked sex but the truly thrilling encounter with a random hookup was an exception to the rule of quick, dispassionate, dudes that fucked with a formula and were too inhibited about it to make it a memorable experience. It’s weird to say that men don’t know how to enjoy sex but a lot of them don’t. They’re so hung up on getting it that they don’t know how to slow down and enjoy the actual Event. They can’t be themselves or relax or say or do anything that they think might upset their ability to get sex, so everything is colored by this frantic energy. It’s what makes casual sex often not worth the hassle.

My current boyfriend, Kyle, was such a standout. He wasn’t needy, he didn’t want on eggshells, worried I’d turn out to be a tease. He was slow and confident. We teased each other. We met on Facebook which is surprising only because he turned out to be so quality. You never think a random “hey, you’re so and sos friend and seem cool” message is anything but weird. But Kyle is attractive and sure of himself and has this electric intensity about him when he speaks. He makes you want to pay attention. He makes you lose yourself in him.

The first time we met I couldn’t believe the way he made me feel. I’d catch myself trailing my fingers along my neck while he spoke, a classic sign of female interest. It was too obvious, and he noticed, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s probably what made him confident enough to lean up next to me and say into my ear, “I’m going to f*** you tonight.”

We laughed about it later, when his c*** was inside me, how he knew what was going to happen when he saw me blushing at the bar, how I hoped that’s what would happen when his whisper made me shift in my seat.

That’s what made our sex so good, we were always laughing and talking. When it was really intense, we’d let it be intense, but this way we could spend hours (or days) in bed. And it was fun and so sexy and truly, there’s nothing I would rather be doing. I wasn’t thinking about lists of what I had to do or remember to buy at the store, I was fully and deliciously present in each of those moments.

But true to female form I wanted more. I wasn’t happy with our casual status. If things were so great now, why wouldn’t a future together be the goal? I just wanted that to be the goal unless we had a good reason not to consider it at all.

Always my equal, Kyle never gave in to what I wanted unless it was also what worked for him. Our arrangement was fine the way it was, what impetus was there to change it? He didn’t understand that the security made it sexy for me, it made it feel more real. And that’s where the idea struck. If security made it sexy for me, I could communicate that to him. I could show him that if the idea of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend meant more work, it also more… other stuff. More freedom to explore each other, more nights together, more everything.

The comfort I felt with him meant more comfort in being vulnerable, which is a requirement of certain kinds of sex acts.

I’d never had a threesome. Well, at least not with two girls. I knew it was like, every guy ever’s fantasy, so what better way to show Kyle the reward loop associated with commitment?

One morning when we were getting ready, I mentioned it to him. I’ve always been curious about being with another woman, but I’d only be able to do it if the guy could make me feel really comfortable. I nonchalantly offered up the bait, and phrased it like a challenge, IF you could make me feel this way then, threesome. I let him go to work and think about that all day. It was only a few hours before he texted, So, how exactly do I make you feel more comfortable?

The event itself was simple enough to set up. I had a stripper friend (go big or go home, right?) who was a bit crazy and sexual and up for anything and everything. It was this personality that made her attractive enough to me that I really wanted to experiment with her even though I wasn’t into women in general. She had long blonde hair and big boobs and she laughed like crazy at everything in a way that made you feel warm and happy.

We went to a fancy hotel bar and drank too much champagne and we felt good and happy and silly. The whole scene was so exotic. We were dressed up for the occasion and I felt like I was living someone else’s life, or like it was a glimpse of what mine could be like. This beautiful, vibrant woman was making eyes at me and Kyle who I loved and who excited me so much was there, more quiet than usual, I think because he was a bit overwhelmed with how turned on he was. Or maybe just focusing on what was happening, committing it to memory.

I could feel his eyes on me as I twisted her blonde hair in my fingers, pulling her closer. We were giggling as our lips touched. Her tongue was in my mouth at the bar, I remember that because I thought, “a stripper’s tongue is in my mouth at the bar, how weird.” And then I remember Kyle’s hand on my back while we stumbled into the elevator, still laughing, this time with an appreciative audience of older business men, to whom I’m sure we appeared to be Kyle’s paid company for the evening.

In our room, I tasted a woman for the first time. She was so clean. Her skin was soft and everything tasted so much better than it did on a man (sorry). She was more responsive, too. When my tongue touched her she twitched and moved and arched her back and gasped and screamed.

When I looked up I realized Kyle was getting head from her. I had one sobering pang of jealousy before I embraced my role in the event. Sliding my middle finger inside her I circled it around in the way that always worked for me and watched as her sudden increase in pleasure traveled up her body to her mouth where her moans were suffocated by Kyle’s c***. It was crazy to stimulate him through another person, to see my touch travel from her to him.

We spent a good amount of time like this, trading off who was helping who get off. My friend flitted off a few hours later, having had her fill and wanting to sleep in her own bed. When Kyle and I woke up in the morning, we felt closer than ever. We were a team. We had secrets together. We had fun together. We challenged ourselves together.

Maybe there should be a new saying, couples that get girls off together… stay together?

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