obsession falling in love triumph over the past heartbreak

I Am In A Happy Marriage But This Toxic Relationship Continues To Haunt Me

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I still shed some tears in his remembrance. He is my first love. He broke my heart so badly that it took years and years, still under process to heal. I believe I am still not healing, not because I hate him. May be because he still secures a soft corner somewhere in my heart, still after years. 

Today I am someone else's wife and a mother. It's not that I don't love my husband, I married a good guy and I do love him. It is just I could not take my first love out of my mind yet. I still see him in dreams sometimes.

I blocked him from my personal accounts, both on Facebook and Instagram just for satisfaction because for a long time he unnecessarily blocked me everywhere he could, just to avoid me.  I missed him terribly in that phase and he just avoided me like I meant nothing to him. 

My only mistake was going back to him always. It would have been better if I would have stopped the first time when my instinct answered me that he doesn't love you, he never will.  But he always came back even after fights.

Like every other relation we started as friends. He was my classmate in high school though I never spoke to him then. We came into contact later, after I joined college. I was 18 then. Three years from there I garnered most beautiful memories of my life. 

Later on, after three years or so, things took a bad turn. He betrayed me in every way possible. Even being my friend he could not understand my heart. I remember once I introduced him to my school friend and late at night when I called him, my call went on waiting. He was talking to someone else.  My instinct asked me to call my school friend and when I called her even it was busy.

He immediately called me and asked, "are you testing me?" I had no proper answer because we were not officially a couple and not in a relationship. I sure did confront my school friend because that bitch knew I loved that guy and how close we were and how long our friendship had been.

The moment I showed his picture to her, I knew she had developed a crush on him.  Despite knowing how much he means to me and my feelings towards him, she and her actions were always flirtatious towards him.

He knew I had feelings for him yet he never left a single chance to break my heart. He never even left me on my own. Always came back to patch up and after a few days again did things to hurt me. Whenever we met he asked me for my phone. I gave it to him without second thoughts. He would always find a reason then to fight with me.  If any of my male classmates or other friends' messages were on my phone he would ask me, "why?? who??"  He would literally make a scene out of it. 

On the other hand, he never gave me his phone. I remember once to avoid any mess I had deleted my entire message inbox. He asked me for my phone and after checking it he said, "you have forgotten to delete your outbox messages," and gave me a cold look. He literally asked me to leave that day.

Though I was not doing anything wrong but my college mate, a guy, had just texted me about some college function. He had a general conversation. I thought of leaving those conservations, but just to avoid fuss I deleted my inbox and entered foot in the mouth situation by not deleting outbox.

My mind said why are you answerable to him? You are not his girlfriend. Just leave him. Why are you suffering without any reason. My heart was with him and I did not know at that time what to do? How to act? 

My close friends were very irritated with his behavior. They were like, "he is controlling you for no reason. He knows that you love him and will do anything for his happiness and now you are vulnerable because he is taking advantage of it.  He knows that no matter what he does you will forgive him and no matter how harsh he behaves you will not leave him." 

Without my knowledge seeing that I was suffering and going into depression, two of my friends, girls, called him and said, "Listen by now it is evident she loves you, she has not conveyed it in the fear you may not accept. For the fact, she knows that you won't accept it and hence she is in some denial. We as her well wishers want to ask you, though it is not a matter to intrude and it is between you and her, but still we ask you directly do you love her?"  He immediately said, "It is not that I don't love her, but it is not that kind of love, I love her like a friend, and I am not sure of anything else. I just guarantee you that I can't have any other relationship with her than a best friend." 

It was the final straw for me.  My friends asked him to avoid me as they knew I was head over heels for him. He said he will and the other day he came to a movie with me. He never even mentioned that phone call ever. After ages my friends mentioned it to me and I wondered why he did not avoid me after that conversation.  Maybe the reason is even he was not ready to let me go.  He was sure he can't accept me into any relation other than friend but still he was not ready to let me go as I was his pastime. 

He ultimately came back to me when nothing else worked out with other girls. Yes, he had other friends and many dark secrets which I came to know slowly after my marriage. I don't know why he felt a need to hide such things as I was already aware. 

Since the start he had been two timing. There was a college friend who used to have late night calls and chats with him. She even wrote a love letter after her wedding which came into the hands of his father. His parents are very good. I spent years visiting his house. I have not visited my other friends who were girls and my close friends that much as I visited this guy's house. 

He invited me to every function and I was familiar with all his family members. His mother had a very good impression of me that I was a good girl and good natured. Though after that letter incident, I made up my mind to keep distance from him as I did not want to get my image spoiled. 

Moreover, I was not that big a fool to hangout with a guy and get hurt always by his actions knowing that it would be hard for me to move on as he is my first love. So I avoided him for a month or so.  Neither did he contact me as he was busy with his other girlfriends and other activities.

Days were passing by and he called me one fine evening. He is an egoistic guy. Even then his ego did not admit that he missed me. He said, "I was just checking if you are fine. You used to call me daily.  Where have you been?  Why didn't you call me?" 

I asked him, "Why didn't you? I did not call you because last time when I called you I missed you and your behaviour even made me cry and you said what the fuck is wrong with you, I am out for a movie with friends (those friends were two girls of course) and hence I felt insulted and never contacted you again."  He was quiet for a moment.  Then maybe he felt what I was saying was right and he asked me if I could come to meet him. My heart again took over my mind and I sure did go to see him. 

I cried on seeing him. I remember I could not hold back and I felt like hugging him tightly. After all, that guy was my best friend once before I fell in love with him. It never took long for his controlling and demanding behaviour to take over. He again started showing his colors. But this time he was actually in love which I came to know much later. 

This "not admitting casanova" had finally fallen in love and even decided to marry her.  By this time I was not in contact with him. To be frank, after the patch up I mentioned earlier, again things went wrong between him and me and he avoided me and blocked me everywhere possible.  I left the city for job training and trust me if not sooner, later I felt happy this odreal with him had ended on a sad note because this chain reaction of break up patch break up patch up was not ending. 

He was doing fine but it affected me mentally, a lot. I never took good decisions about my life in his presence- neither about my marriage proposals nor about my career. My every decision I took according to him and he, on the other hand was doing great without me. 

So, I moved on finally after years and years of damage. Still he has not left my mind. The impact he had on my mind for years and his influence on my life and my decisions throughout were huge and hence it was like a part of me ripped apart and is still healing. 

I met a sweet good looking charmer in my teens. A boy who did everything possible to make me happy. I am a single child and for long I was not in touch with my extended family. So he made sure he called me to every family function. He was there for me for everything. Left me when I was at a peak vulnerable state in my life. 

Before him I was fine, doing great. After him I was no more that bubbly person. I suspected every relation in my life. I could not be that positive person anymore and that broken heart took a huge toll on me.

That sweet boy I met was no more that guy. He was meeting new friends, new girls, and maybe they were more exciting and interesting than me. I never complained about it ever. Only thing I want to ask him is, why did he take advantage of my goodness? He could have let me go after the first impact, but no, he wanted me in his life when needed so even after avoiding him he came back. 

Later when he felt I was unnecessary he conveniently left me.  He was always finding reasons to end it. The incidents of checking my phone and "baal ka khaal utarana" situations were plotted so that we could have a fight and he could end it. But dude, "bolke toh dekha hota?" 

I gave him so much space.  I don't know what made him do such things.  Many times I left him undisturbed, but he himself came back to me, and later said I was not moving on, so he had to be rude. God knows how I survived those trials and errors. I wonder where that sweet guy disappeared in storms of time. Whose eyes were filled with love whenever he looked at me. Who used to find reasons to meet me. Who helped me in troubles and ironically who himself was a big trouble. Who did every possible thing to make me happy. Who made sure I was present in every important occasion of his life. 

Because of all these sweet memories, I still kept him at some remote corner of my heart. We never ended on a good note though. I changed my number for good, so did he. I moved to another city for a job purpose. 

Even when I came back, I made sure I was not in contact with any person who was a mutual friend. It was in this phase when I came to know he was in love and wanted to marry a girl, which did not work out.  I also came to know he is very much fine without me. He is hanging out with other girls, new friends.  It did hurt me and hence I had to cut all the sources which informed me about him. 

I don't know where he is now, what he is doing,  but his complicated personality did ruin my most precious years of life. I still dream about him, cry in his remembrance sometimes, maybe because he owes me a hell lot of explanation. There is still a proper closure left.  Just a "sorry" he threw at my face later on is not sufficient. The lame statements he made still haunt me. 

I remember he once said, "please put on some weight and improve your features."  He never left a chance to comment on my looks. He said I have a broad forehead. I always felt conscious and inferior around him. I was fine, but still I felt under confident. 

Years later, when my dearest husband said that "you are pretty and I like you," I did not believe him.  I felt this is a pick up line he is using. I never took any compliment seriously because I believed I am not good looking. 

Later, I gained my confidence back and I realized people who want to be with you will be with you no matter what, at least they would try. Beauty of a person lies in the confidence they carry, the positivity they carry in their mind, it lies in the good physical and mental health.  Not in your perfect figure or skin tone. 

Don't let any person screw that.  Don't let any relation to over power you because too much is always too bad. Still I did not come to terms with whatever happened to me when I was in contact with him and what he did.  Hope so I will sometime in the near future.  

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