If I'm Sacrificing Today's Happiness For Tomorrow, Am I Alive?
Rain that use to pour and line my skin, that use to touch me like a stolen kiss and invite me to dance on its soulful rhythm.... no longer reaches me.
Today, as I try to pen down my thoughts I can see the raindrops racing down my window glass. I tried getting up to go and feel its touch but could not. I wonder how I am unmoved by its beauty which once soaked into my soul, how I no longer wish to dance under it. Probably the files on my table chain me, the missed calls on my phone alert me, the pending appointments alarm me and make me stick to this chair, but I am scared!
Scared that I won’t b able to catch time, scared that a lot will change the day I die... who will attend the calls I missed then? Who will meet the left over appointments? Who will fulfil the birthday plans I made? It is so scary how things will change the day I stop breathing for that will be the day I will stop worrying about all the big and small anxieties that take my sleep, I will stop worrying about the way my body looks or my image that I crafted for others, I will stop nagging about the regrets and also tattooing myself with the mistakes I made in past. I will stop convincing the people who don’t know me well. I will stop saving my treasures for the future and all of this on which I have risked so much will go waste.
But more than this what scares me is imagining the people who will grieve deeply that day.
Who will tell them that I love them, who will say the things I will leave unsaid? Will the conversations I have yet to make remain forever undone? The person whom I want to convey my feelings will remain unaware? Will I never be able to sip that coffee which was postponed for a business deal? Will I never be able to laugh on jokes with friends again? Will I never be able to cry my heart out? Will I never be able to spend on my happiness? Will I never be able to eat the food I left to lose weight? will I never be able to say sorry for the mistakes I made? Will I never be able to try mending the broken relationship knots, and will I never be able to dance carefree like a child in the rain again?
My heart sinks as this thought crosses my mind that I will never be able to live again the day I die but still I am killing myself daily for all that I think matters I don’t know why.