I never knew I was making a huge mistake; after all, it was all for love.
At least that is what I used to cover the filthy thing that I did in my life.
I was 17 when it happened. He was 23 and head over heels for me. Every day after school, I would lie to my parents that I was going to study at a friend's place and would go out with Abel.
We would sit in the bushes at the playground and chitchat for hours. He would buy me snacks; sometimes even take me out for cake and coffee dates. He also showered me with lots of gifts and love.
He did everything he could to win my heart and I truly believed that he was my soulmate.
I was growing increasingly daring and had started taking nice clothes from home to school. After school hours, I would change into the clothes I brought and go out with him. We started getting closer and it began with holding hands and forehead kisses.
Slowly, things started intensifying. He would grab my waist and hug me from behind. It felt like a dream come true.
I did not object when he did all that and even convinced myself that he owns me.
At first, it felt wrong but as days went by, I felt nothing. Lip kisses and random hugs became a norm. Abel did not feel bad at all despite the fact that I was underage. With time things started growing wilder.
He would demand sexy pictures of me. He'd beg me to send a slight glimpse of my cleavage or share pictures of me in my undergarments. He even spent a lot of money to get me sexy lingerie. It was exciting and fun.
Using Western culture as a benchmark, we went on justifying our mistakes.
One day, I went out with him and he took me to his house. He said he wanted to take something to pass on to his friend. His parents were out of town and he invited me in to "show me around the house". Then, he took me to his bedroom.
He started showing me his games and books. We chatted happily and suddenly; he hugged me and started kissing my neck. I felt bad. I did not want to do it.
He begged and convinced me saying that “making love” is part of a relationship and it will make us grow stronger.
At first, I denied his wishes. Somehow after some begging and convincing, I gave in and slept with him. That single incident was the ultimate starting point. We started doing it more often. His love towards me kept growing.
One day, he told me that he was going out of station for a business trip and would return after a week. After a week, he sent me a text message saying that it would take longer. I missed him tremendously but I had no other choice than to focus on my studies. My exams were around the corner and they would pretty much determine my future.
I was so busy preparing for my exams that I didn’t notice my period was delayed by two months.
Four weeks passed, and Abel did not return any of my calls or messages. His sim card was no longer active. I missed him so badly and decided to go to his house to see him. It was a very sunny day and as I walked to his house, I suddenly felt dizzy and I fell on the road.
Then I felt someone carrying me and when I opened my eyes, I was at an aunty's house. She gave me water to drink and sent me home. I felt exhausted the entire week and was constantly nauseous and dizzy.
I assumed that since I was missing him too much, it was taking a toll on my health.
Six weeks passed but he did not come back. My health was getting worse. I would vomit constantly and realized I was gaining weight.
I knew I was pregnant but I did not know what to do!
My parents did not notice the changes in me as they were busy with their jobs and came home late. I started putting on more weight to cover up the growing belly.
I missed Abel badly but he had deactivated his Facebook account and cut all ways I could reach him. The exams got over and I was at home patiently waiting for my results.
I still tried to convince myself that he’d eventually come back.
The very first kick in my belly made me so happy. It felt like a wonderful miracle growing inside me.
Before I could feel the happiness, thoughts of how I'd tell my parents and raise the child sent a chill down my spine.
I was seven and a half months when I felt an excruciating pain in my belly and my private part. It was killing me. I wanted to scream! I knew the little one in my belly was trying to come out.
Just seven and a half months and he wanted to come out! At that moment, biology seemed to be completely wrong.
However, I did not dare to go to any hospital. I shut my room door, grabbed a book and put it between my teeth, gritting it hard to control the pain. After almost an hour of struggle, I managed to bring out the little one. He was crying but he looked so cute.
I was alone and had no idea how to handle him. I took a towel and wrapped him in it. I googled how to cut the umbilical cord then wiped him using a wet cloth. He smelled better.
I had to find a way to hide him before my parents returned home.
I couldn’t keep him in my room since my mother had a habit of checking on me before going to bed. I kept him in the house until the usual time that my parents returned. Then, I took him out of the house to a storeroom in the backyard.
I found a box and put him in it. I covered him with a net, lit a mosquito coil and went back to my room and acted as if I were asleep. My parents came home, checked on me and went into their bedroom. Around half past three, I heard the baby crying.
I had to do something before someone heard him crying. I ran into the storeroom and tried checking if something had bitten him. But I couldn’t find anything. He was still crying.
I tried feeding him but no milk came out of my nipples. I tried again and again but was unable to calm him.
I went back into the house and brought some condensed milk. I put some into his mouth and he seemed happy and satisfied. He sucked on my fingers covered with the condensed milk. It was working and I felt relieved.
I was young and not smart enough to think that it would cause him health issues.
After a while, I managed to put him to sleep and left him in the box. The following day, I realized that I was doing no good to the baby.
I knew Abel was never coming back and I had to get rid of the baby.
I put on a decent dress, booked a taxi and carried the baby to a housing area. I kept walking till there was no one around. I put him in an abandoned house with some money and left without turning back.
My heart was crying for him. I wanted my child back.
He was mine! When I went and looked for him, he was nowhere to be found.
I cried for weeks. My results came out and there were not good. My parents assumed that it was the cause of my depression and decided to help me by sending me abroad to continue my studies. I left the country and went to New Zealand and continued my tertiary education there.
Slowly, I began recovering from my depression but I still thought about my son every single day.
I had no idea where he was or what he must be doing. I did not even know if he was alive! Every night I'd cry myself to sleep. It was entirely my fault!
After completing my education, I came back home and started working. Life went on but I had no interest in having another relationship.
I was desperate to look for my son.
Around the same time, my dad found a prospective match for me. He emotionally blackmailed me to agree to the marriage. I reluctantly got married. Luckily, the man I call my husband is an angel. He became my best friend. He tolerated all my tantrums and never stopped loving me. He was the right guy.
We would go to the gym together, cook together and we lived happily. Life was good again. Years went by but we were unable to have kids. We consulted several doctors, tried countless medicines and therapies but nothing worked. Ultimately, we gave up the idea of having a child.
Deep down, I knew karma was hitting me for what I’d done during my younger days.
However, I never told my husband about it. I loved him and I did not want him to hate me. I stayed quiet and kept convincing him to adopt a child. He refused and said that we should focus on our careers and travel the world.
But I knew how much he longed for a baby.
Thankfully, I am happy with my husband and living a decent life. Though I still wonder what happened to the child I abandoned. I don't know if he can even afford to buy a single proper meal for himself.
I know that this will haunt me for the rest of my life and I will surely go to hell for it.
And one day, when I’m able to gather the courage, I will tell my husband about my past.