Love Relationships friendship homosexuality girlfriend Lesbianism homophobia

The More I Loved Her, The More She Went Back Into Her Shell

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Life is strange- when you least expect something to cross your path, that is when a fresh breeze will pass by. But we forget that breezes are known to pass by and not stay constant. This is what happened to me as well. After my post graduation, I moved to a new country for a job, and everything was fine until I met her. She is pretty, cute and oh-so-childlike. Her voice is like a small child, yet stubborn like a mighty queen. The first time we saw each other in was in our office lift. Although our workplaces were different, somehow, we would end up bumping into each other in the lift and we started talking, there was an instant connection.

I started looking forward to seeing her every day in the lift, and it would bring a smile to my face just seeing a glance of her.

We exchanged numbers, and we started to talk on WhatsApp and Facebook. The first 'morning message' war started, which was kind of cute. We started to meet outside, and I liked spending time with her. I thought that she felt the same because, after every meeting, she would say that she loves spending time with me and that when she is with me, time seems to fly. I would feel so good upon hearing this, thinking that I can make her smile and that around me, she forgets time. She would try and touch me, and there would always be a resistance to hug, there were these small signs which gave me message that there is more to this friendship.

Being a girl, I understand that why would there be a resistance otherwise. I have other female friends too, and we freely hold hands, or hug each other without hesitation. This hesitation or resistance only comes when we like someone, and are trying to hide the true feelings.

For me it was very clear that I liked her, and I want to spend as much time I can with her. I assumed that the same goes for her, and she is also having mutual feelings. As she works in shifts, her timings change every week and it would not be possible for us to meet every day. On the days we would not meet organically, she would wait for me after office in the common cafeteria so that we could see each other. To me, it did not matter as I thought that it’s good that she is trying to meet and be with me, to spend time with me. With friends, we meet them once in a while but when you make an effort to meet every day, you know it’s special. On one such meeting, she was not herself. She seemed lost and low, and I asked her what was bothering her, and she mentioned that it was her ex who was messaging her and wanted her to take him back. Then she narrated the whole story to me, as to why and what happened between them, which was reasonable enough and again I thought that maybe I am picking the wrong signals and I should leave her alone, but she was still the same with me, there was no change as such. Then in between all of this, one day she just messaged me that she feels like having a cheesecake but it is not available near our workplaces. I ordered it for her, and messaged her. She could not believe the kindness of my gesture, and I told her to wait till it arrives and after 30 mins she called me saying that I am crazy because otherwise why would I do something like this. She loves it when I care about her so much, and I always listen to what she has to say.

I assumed that this gesture will give a loud and clear message that how much I like her, and how much her happiness means to me, and I guess she finally got the message after all, as things had started to change.

I was still okay with it, and thought that maybe she needed time. Her body language with me, was still the same. I was thinking the doors might have opened a little where I could stand and say what I want to, but no, she went a step back. Earlier, whenever I would plan something, she would jump to the opportunity and we would hang out till late, but now things have changed and we no longer hangout. I think that it is difficult for her, being a girl, to let the other girl know that how much she likes her. Now I feel like it does not matter to her, what I feel because it seems like she has chosen not to see that I feel for her more than a friend. We still do talk, and at times she comes so close to me that I can feel her breath all over me, and in the blink of eye she goes so far where I cannot see her, nor does she care to see me. So strange it is now for me, and it is so difficult to be in this friendship as I don’t see her as a friend, and what she considers me, that only she knows. I sometimes feel I should just confront her and express my true feelings to her, and then if she wants she can either take our relationship forward, or we would go on our respective paths. At least this way, I will not have to play the game of pretending, but every time I see her smile or hear her voice, I change my mind thinking that I will not be able to stay away from her, or manage without listening to her beautiful voice.

To this, my rational mind asks me why I am hurting myself, because maybe she is straight and not that into me?

She has left me confused. My heart wants to hold on a little longer, but my mind is saying to let it go and move on. I don’t know what is it, which is holding me back, because she is carefree and so occupied in her own life that she cannot see me, then why am I putting in the effort and trying to give her the happiness she wants. It hurts to see those eyes in which you see there are feelings for you, but maybe it is not quite a mutual feeling. Now I feel like she just wants somebody to hang out with, as she is also new to the place and doesn’t have many friends.

Maybe when we met, she just needed somebody but now that she has also been here for a while and has more people in her circuit, it does not matter to her anymore, what I feel or what I want to do.

Maybe soon, I will muster the courage and tell her how I feel. Then we will part ways forever as I already know her answer and I no longer wish to hold back my feelings as I have always been vocal about my feelings. But in this case, I am at a losing end from all sides, not only will I lose the person I like but will also lose a friend, but then I feel it will be better for both of us. As I will get a closure and will be able to move forward in life and about her I don’t know whether she will miss me, or she will be happy that I moved out of her life voluntarily and she did not have to do anything to push me away.

Sigh. Life and its ways are stranger than fiction, indeed.

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