toxic relationship

To The Guy Who Destroyed Me, Let Me Be Now Please

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

To the guy who destroyed me,

I know you are doing good without me. I remember the time when I was a teenager, watching cartoons and dancing to pop songs in my college hostel with my friends. Just then, life happened.

I've been terribly abused by the ones who gave birth to me (I don't wish to address them as my parents like I don't wish to call you my lover ).

Life has been hell always with extreme levels of physical, mental, and verbal abuse. After surpassing years of depression and multiple suicide attempts in vain, I managed to fly out of my cage and had started to live a future that I'd never imagined I'd have.

After managing to enter a reputed university for a good course, life restarted. I've always been an odd person in the crowd - the lost-in-thought kind, the silent one, all-time moody, with very few friends, a complete nerdy, thanks to the way I was raised as a child. Still, I managed to make peace with my dark past.

And then, you entered my life. My friend's brother, you entered my life as a facebook friend, we started chatting casually and exchanged numbers as I trusted you. Then you started calling me every day, I got to know your dislikes, likes, and yes, the curse of my life, your past relationship. How you fell in love with your college girlfriend and how romantic you guys were instead of focusing on academics.

I felt sorry to know that she left you because her family didn't accept you and how you were heartbroken. I wanted to be there for you always as a good friend. Despite you staying miles away from home and me, I entered a long-distance friendship with you. Never mind, I always stood for you whenever you felt low and even wanted to make you quit excessive drinking. Life was good. I was always genuinely concerned about my new friend, you.

Within the next few days, you praised my voice, loved to talk to me without hanging up, our SMS packs expired very soon, I texted you non-stop even during my classes.

You always told me that I kept you happy and you wanted a life partner like me. This was actually a red flag, thanks to the worst ever married life of my parents that ruined our lives in the first place. I started telling you about how I'm difficult to love, suck in romance, and how I don't believe in marriage. You succeeded in winning my heart, my love. Your continuous pleading added colors to my future and I said yes in an instant where I couldn't hold on to make you wait for 30 seconds at least and was afraid you'll feel rejected if I say I'm not interested in the relationship.

I said yes and started dreaming of our life together and your happiness was my prime concern.

Within the next few days, romantic things from the movies started between us and I could not participate in these for a few reasons.

First, I'm someone who cannot communicate my feelings explicitly, being extremely introverted. As you told me you're ok with this, I entered the relationship. And I'm an old-school lover who can't talk about sex and kiss a boyfriend who I hadn't even met. But, I tried always to make you understand that I loved you with all my heart and would never leave you in any situation as ur ex did.

I was even ready to fight with my parents to any extent but never wanted your heart to break again. Someday within the next two weeks, you said your cousin wanted to marry you, and she attempted suicide, and so we had to part ways. I still wanted to be your friend and convinced you that I'll always stay. And all of a sudden, it happened.

You pointed at me stating that I was not even equal to the foot dust of your ex and was never intimate with you like she hugged you in college every day or called you with nicknames. I was too broken to hear this and tried to explain my situation and the reason for my silence amidst all tears. Still, you bluntly dismissed the conversation stating your ex also had family problems without even hearing anything. I was shattered.

Tell me one thing, why did you say you badly wanted me if you looked down upon me? If you're courageous enough, why didn't you share this while in a relationship instead of quoting filmy dialogues and sexting even though I was uncomfortable?

Why did you become a part of my dreams if you wanted to leave me ultimately and couldn't you have done this gently to someone who's already broken or who had always thought about your happiness more than hers?

You were back again within the next few months and proposed to me again stating you called off the marriage. This time, forgive me, I'm left speechless. I don't know what you want.

The comparison between current and ex-lover was one of the key reasons why I lost my childhood happiness and history repeats itself again. I couldn't say yes or no to you. 

I prayed to god to help me communicate or make you understand, how you had ditched me. After two years of communication, few false hopes, and endless dreams, you married another girl who your family selected for you. You didn't even meet me once or tried to understand what went wrong or regret breaking me.

I was working with an MNC then in a job I didn't like much, I'd ended up like all engineering graduates. Life was hectic, but damn I was still missing your eyes and lies, the smile in your pictures haunted me. A year after marriage, you popped up in my inbox again, started a regular conversation again, and got me addicted to your presence. I presumed you had finally understood and wanted to be friends with me. But as days passed, you abused me again and this went on till the day you blamed me for casting an evil eye on your baby as he was sick.

Tell me, my love, you began a conversation just to mask your loneliness of being abroad away from your family once again right? I request you now. Please do not pretend to be concerned about me anymore. I'm so obviously dead inside.

You still reply to me with a straight face asking if I'm still in love with you after all of 13 years.

You tell me how much you love your wife on the one hand while on the other hand, you bodyshame and bully me after seeing my pictures.

You still manage to manipulate me, play with my feelings and my life goes on wondering what went wrong. I have lost my inner peace that was my only possession.

To save you, I broke my heart. I wish you had one. But, life is hard with or without people like you.

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