To The Man In Uniform Who Broke My Heart: I'll Come Out Of This Stronger
To The Man In Uniform Who Broke My Heart: I'll Come Out Of This Stronger
Your first words to me were, "You're cute." I then thanked you for your service to our nation. I had seen you in your uniform two days before and felt pride. Who doesn't?
Navy pilots had all my respect. I didn't know why, but I felt connected to you. I hugged you as we said our goodbyes, and you kissed me on my cheeks.
You were concerned about me being in the USA and how things will work.
It was clear in my mind that if this was something I loved, I would leave my life in the USA in a heartbeat, and we would find a way to be with each other. All I have ever longed for in my life is one true love.
So I felt maybe this is the one. But do I show I am too serious? Whenever I express my feelings, I have been hurt. I couldn't talk to you for two weeks after we met, so I kept sending you some food pictures.
You matched our kundali and told me we both matched in 28 points. I don't believe in those things, but I smiled. After what I have been through in my life, I was afraid to express my love too soon. I was scared that I would lose you. After all, whoever I have loved has left me. But then I met you in Delhi on Saturday, hours before my departure.
We went to your place, kissed for the first time, and hugged. I remember resting my head on your chest. I felt so much peace at that moment. I felt like this was it, that I should surrender, be vulnerable, and that this was a safe space.
So I gave in. I consented, and we had sex. You made me believe that I was everything to you. You said that. You told me you hated that I had to leave so early. You said to me that you would be eagerly waiting for me to come back. You said you loved me. I reciprocated.
You said that you would be the last person I would ever love. There will be no one after you. I believed you.
For the first time in my life, I felt that there was someone who saw me for who I was. I didn't say that I didn't want to go. I didn't say I would leave everything in the USA in a heartbeat and be back forever. I said, please don't ever leave me alone.
I turned around to see if you were still at the airport entrance, but I saw you leave. I found it odd, but I told myself it was late, and you probably needed to rest.
The whole flight on Sunday, I kept thinking I needed to wrap up everything in the USA, ask for a transfer to India for my job, and then be happy forever.
The flight had no internet connection, so I could not tell you how much you mean to me. I kept cursing myself for not showing affection when you were with me. I appeared cold, and there was a reason for that.
After the flight landed, I sent you a stupid grocery picture instead of telling you how I felt. I noticed you changed your profile picture. It was not a big deal, but my heart sank because a change was a sign, no matter how tiny.
I called you that night, but you were at work. You told me you would call back. You didn't. I told myself he was busy and maybe tired; he was not like the other men I had met. He will call. Three days passed, no call. I told you how much I missed you for the very first time. It was indeed very odd that the person who chased me for three weeks and had plenty of time to chat and call me suddenly didn't have the time to check my texts. The relationship was so new.
I got anxious every second. I was afraid that history would repeat itself. I still had faith that a person in uniform is supposed to protect us. A person in uniform would not breach my trust.
Then you called me on Thursday for phone sex. I tell myself I was wrong and history won't repeat itself. Friday, on beagle day, you send me your puppy's pic. I recommended some puzzle toys for your puppy, but you gave me a cold reply. I called you Friday night; I saw you online on Whatsapp, but you did not answer. Three hours later, I had no response or a sorry for not answering, but you were still online. It was now very late. You were online, and you simply didn't care to respond.
Saturday night, I called you again. You were online, and you didn't answer. I asked what was happening, and you said you had a headache. I cursed myself for doubting you. Sunday morning, I asked you how you were feeling. That question was for your headache. I saw you online late hours, and you still didn't respond. Then I showed you my vulnerability for the first time and I dropped my guard after seven years, saying "please don't leave me". I hoped to hear that you had my back and that it was not just another guy who just wanted sex from me. Instead, you told me that you don't feel anything anymore.
My heart broke into a million pieces. I just stared at your WhatsApp most of the time. I could see you were online all night the weekend after as well. I kept playing events in a loop to understand if this was happening.
You told me on the call that our thinking doesn't match, so we should not talk anymore. Was my thinking not different when we were in bed? Was it not different when you told me you wanted to have sex without a condom? Was it not different when you kissed me? Was it not different when you wanted me to kiss you somewhere other than your lips because I won't be back for another 6 months? Was it not different when you called me your biwi? Was it not different when you told me I was your bae?
I was in India on vacation to spend time with my family, who I had dearly missed for 4 years. I didn't go hurting you. Then why did you do this to me? You have been so cold to the person you said you loved. How did things change in 5 days? Why did you chase me if you knew that you won't be able to take this forward? - I pondered this question for a long time.
Then I remembered the words of my dear friend - Navy people have tough training. When they come to town, it's a normal thing for them. They are just looking for pleasure. Did you make me pay the price for your choice to defend the nation? I hated myself for not knowing that all those sweet talks were just to get me in bed.
You told me that your wife cheated on you, so you got divorced. I thought then that you would definitely not play with my heart.
Thank you for showing me that men in uniform cannot always be trusted and I should not be vulnerable at all. Thank you for showing me that it is foolish to let my guard down. Perhaps this game is something you play pretty often. And I am still stuck on the day I rested my head on your chest. I am still in the moment when I decided to surrender. I had good intentions, but now I feel violated, physically and emotionally. I now see all the lies, and I will watch for those signs. Yes. I was a gullible idiot.
All the years of emotional abuse from past relationships came screaming at me.
Today is the 12th of October, 2022. I sit here and wonder how I got so emotionally attached to the man I just knew for 2 weeks. I wonder when I gave you so much power that my life is a complete mess right now.
I believe in karma, and it will get to you one day. Someday you will lose your wings too. I leave that up to God.
And know that, I will get through this and will come back stronger. You're just the latest in a long line of b***a*ds.