There is a dark secret which I have been I hiding, or you can say I have discovered of late, which needs to be addressed. This will sound very strange or odd as it is strange to have such thought/emotions considering the image I have in the society.

I am a male (26 years), from southern part of India. During my teens, like any other boy, I had so many aspirations - getting a good score in 10th and 12th, getting into a good college, having a girlfriend, getting placed in a great company etc. but all my dreams crashed due to one fucking habit, that is - MASTURBATION!!!!!!.

I know this may sound very silly but due to excessive masturbation, no matter how motivated I look from outside, I was fucked up deep within.

Now, coming back to my aspirations, as expected nothing came true. I fucked up in 10th (64% - CBSE board) in spite of having private tuitions for all the subjects. 12th - I was given rigorous coaching for all the engineering entrance exams. It was not that I was not serious about my studies, trust me I was very serious but I had a really hard time in concentrating on studies. I was very slow in recollecting information and writing during the exam. Even though I had so many weaknesses, I never addressed them. Even today my hands shiver while lifting heavy objects.

Coming back to my 12th - I scored 74.6%. But, even after training I couldn't clear one entrance exam on my ability. I had to take up civil engineering by giving donation to a private collage. This has always happened with me. I always make a decision when I am left with no options and end up regretting it. I did okay for the first two years and fucked up in the last year - had 3 backlogs due to which I was not eligible to sit for campus placement.

I am not able to break this pattern. All my hard work goes waste in the last minute, which leaves me demotivated to work harder next time. Again, I was forced to take up PG course for 2 years in Pune which I had no interest in because of the fear of year gaps in my resume. All my life I have lived in fear, anxiety of my career as I never had clear goals as what to do. This had made me develop inferiority complex and low self esteem. I had managed to secure a job which was a sales profile and again I was forced to take up this job as the market was down due to demonetization in 2016 in India.

In May 2017, I lost my mother. Though I never liked her much, I was just performing my duties as a son. I never had a connection with her nor with anyone in this world. Though i am perceived as a responsible elder son in the eyes of society and relatives. I never developed any bonding with anybody in my life. I switched jobs and am currently working in Mumbai. I don’t have any energy left in me. I am forced to work.

All I did for 25 years was to just survive not live. I have never enjoyed any moment in my life. In fact I don’t have any energy to enjoy the moment.

The saddest part is my brother is experiencing the same pain (or even worse). He has completed his degree in computer science and started pursuing masters in computer science but dropped out after few months of joining as he didn’t like the collage. He stays with my father in Ahmedabad, far away from the place where I stay. He is again forced to stay with my father. We all hate each other but cant express that hatred because we are wired to be good people.

The problem with good people is that they feel guilty for hating.

In order to be guilt free we perform our duties sincerely though we don't have love in our hearts. This performing duties is becoming a burden in my heart because I feel ashamed to say I have never developed feelings - bonding with anyone. I am not able to guide my brother properly as I am not doing well in my own career. I feel sad that even he was forced to take up a college which was not of his choice due to less percentage in school.

Now he is idle at home due to lockdown. He calls me everyday and regrets not figuring out his interests. Even today he doesn't know what to do with his life. As I was in his position few years back I give my shoulder to him to cry.

Now he is becoming my burden. Trust me I have been counselling him since last 8 months (after his dropout from post graduation). But he is still stuck in his regrets and unable to come out of the loop of regrets and tells me that HE WANTS TO COMMIT SUICIDE!!.. and very soon he will.

All his life he has been forced to do things , life has only given him shit. Never once have I seen him happy in his entire life. Both our lives run on the same pattern - we are forced to work hard to prove ourselves but the hard work goes in the wrong direction at the wrong time resulting in massive failure or meaningless success. During this lockdown period, I have realized all my life I have been a donkey, slogging my ass in the path of COMPLETE RESISTANCE!

In this process I completely lost myself. I don’t even know what my strengths are what is my passion? Same goes with my brother. I am unable to guide him properly because of my own failure in life. I really want him to be successful and lead an independent life of his own. I can completely relate to what is going on in his life but unable to do anything to help him. As per my observation, we both suffer from ADD.

I have realized this very late in life. I just cant keep going like this. I can motivate him only to an extent but after that I am not able to go further. Secretly, I wish he dies or I die. I cant die as long as he is alive because I am the only one with whom he shares everything. I am unable to love anyone .. I feel so emotionless.. so bad.. I don’t know where this will lead me.

I don't want to get married or have children in the future. I only want to make a lot of money and retire at the earliest so that I can go somewhere far and live a solitude life. Thanks for reading. This was something that has been pilling up in my heart for a very long time and I wanted to vent it out.

Share This Story