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I Am An Emotional Fool Because I Don't Know How To Be Alone

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I am 29 years old and I am proudly a self-proclaimed emotional fool. I fit the perfect definition of that word. I am married and the father of a cute kid but I don't know whether he knows me or not because after his birth, I got a job call from Seychelles and I left after the joint family decision to make my career in the industry.

I belong to a rich family, though I am not a spoilt kid but a caged one.

I was always ignored and bullied in school but yet I found myself to be loving because this is the only thing I am best at, after my studies. I always love everyone whether they are my friends or not, it doesn’t matter how many times they have hurt me, I still chose to love them because I am a loner and being lonely is not a life but a curse. Yet, I have 11 best friends in my life who can lay down their life for me. Amongst them, there are 4 I can trust blindly - Sam, Cattu, Ashu and Nids. For me, Sam and Cattu are my secret keepers. Ashu is my saviour and Nids is someone who broke me and then loved me. Another thing about me is that I am an antisocial animal. No doubt, I do share my problems on Facebook and WhatsApp but still, I am a loner who feeds on feelings.

One more thing, I am dying from a chronic unstable tumour.

I was, am and will be a happy soul under the hood of my friendships, but I have always been thinking that something is hollow in me, there is a strange kind of emptiness. Then on 28th July 2017, I found a girl. She seemed strange, cute and sweet, we are in a strange kind of bond. We both are married but still fell in love, she is a kind of a peaceful soul lover for me. I always found peace in her but now I am confused whether it is a love or only a timepass because since last few months her behaviour has changed.

I am always a keeper of my words and love, and maybe that is the reason for me being an emotional fool because a small change in any one’s behaviour hurts me a lot.

Many times I tried to leave her but I don't know how I can do that because maybe she is also so into me and I am in love with her so deeply. I am not afraid of my death, but I am afraid of being lonely and this is where I have lost my self-respect in front of my friends and family, now I am labelled as an “emotional fool” again.

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